Breadcrumbs Episode 1: The Cost of Denying Yourself

Welcome to my new video series, Breadcrumbs! The idea is simple: each month, I’ll take one chapter from my upcoming book, Faithfully Dissident Daughters and share a few things from the cutting room floor—journal entries, behind-the-scenes stories, little moments that didn’t make it onto the page, and what I’m learning as I shape the final manuscript.

This first episode is… pretty off the cuff. Unscripted. A little messy because honestly I don't have the time for perfection and I'm just going to let myself post it messy. Which feels like a nice counter-balance, honestly, because writing a book is the opposite of messy; it's extremely fine-tuned.

Journals + conversations + the weirdness of memory

As I’m in the some of the final edit stages of my manuscript, I've found myself asking my husband for feedback on scenes that involve both of us—especially birth stories and early marriage stuff—because memory is such a strange thing. It reminds me that writing your story isn’t just documenting facts. It’s telling the truth as you experienced it…while also holding how other people experienced it too.

Revisiting the early days

Chapter 1 of my book is called “The Cost of Denying Yourself.” It centers on my traumatic first birth. I wanted a natural, unmedicated birth, but I ended up laboring for three days and eventually had a C-section.

That experience wasn't the catalyst for my deconstruction (reading Torn by Justin Lee was!), but it was the beginning of me realizing that “holy” and “harmful” had gotten tangled together in my body.

Bonus breadcrumbs: my high school list (lol)

While I was digging through old notebooks, I found a list I wrote in high school of what I wanted in a future husband. And… it’s incredible. Equal parts sincere and hilarious. Reading it now is like meeting a younger version of myself and wanting to hug her and also be like, “Sweetie… you have no idea what you're doing.” The list is weirdly generic, and my husband hits every mark!

I also found notes from a high school class on “Christian relationships.” The gender roles. The expectations. The very tidy formulas for how marriage was supposed to work. It was like discovering the blueprint that shaped my early understanding of marriage and spirituality more than I ever wanted to admit.

Postpartum entries: gratitude and then… reality

When I went back to my postpartum journaling, two entries stood out immediately. The first is pure gratitude—overwhelmed, reverent, trying so hard to be “the right kind” of new mom.

And then not long after, the tone shifts. The second entry is honest in a different way: exhausted, scared, disoriented. I was unraveling, and my faith language didn’t quite fit what was happening inside my body.

The beginning of “deconstruction,” before I had that word

One of the earliest places I can see my faith beginning to shift is around LGBTQ+ inclusion. I found a journal entry from 2015 where I’m actively changing my mind in real time—trying to reconcile what I’d been taught with what love was asking of me.

And it’s wild to read now, because I can see the courage it took for me to even write it down. That entry was a small peek into my understanding of what spirituality could be: less about certainty, more about integrity.

Why I’m doing this

Breadcrumbs is my humble attempt to map the path. To follow the trail. To honor the version of me who was doing her best with the tools she had.

And if you’re someone who’s gone through massive change—faith change, identity change, marriage change, motherhood change—maybe you’ll recognize yourself in this too. Maybe it’ll help you hold your own past with a little more tenderness.

Breadcrumbs is available to paid subscribers. Watch the full episode or read the transcript after the break!